AMBER: Part II: Mud, Blood, and Mayhem

It hurt, it was dirty and shocky and slippery. I already want to do it again.

If you’ve never run a Tough Mudder you may not realize this, but no two courses are exactly the same. They vary from city to city and from year to year. What’s more, no course map is released until about a week before the event. For those who know me and know my preference of planning for everything you can imagine what a nightmare this is. I knew that I had zero upper body strength and zero grip strength but that was the furthest extent of my knowledge. I had a vague realization that I would have to climb walls, run up a 15 ft quarter-pipe and perform various other feats of athleticism but I had no idea which feats nor in what order until 9 days before the event. My panic must have been palpable; bless my darling husband for putting up with it.

Also, just a word of caution; this is a picture-heavy post.

Our course was laid out on the Wild Wings of Oneka hunting preserve in Hugo, MN. Given that the land is for pheasant hunting it’s pretty out of the way of most things and is largely a wooded and grassland area. There are a few little hills and bodies of water, but all in all I was (and still am) thankful it was not laid out literally on the side of a mountain like some of the courses I’ve seen online.

From our start gate we had a nice little jaunt of about 2/3 of a mile to our first obstacle.

 

 

1. Mile 0.66 – Kiss of Mud 2.0

The Tough Mudder Description: “Commonly the first obstacle on a Tough Mudder course, Kiss of Mud 2.0 puts you down in the muck right from the start. With less than 18” of clearance between tangled rows of barbed wire and your bum, and a floor of slushy cold mud beneath you, there’s nowhere to move but forward. At least now you can pretend you didn’t smell like this before.”

 

This is where I sustained my first injury of the course of bashing the back of my hand on a 2×4 while trying to extricate myself from the mud pit at the end. It’s also where at least one member of our team (Isaac) lost his race bib. Of the five of us, only two would come out the other side with their bib intact. The crawl is only about 50 ft from end to end and with the blazing heat of the day on us, it was actually something of a relief to dip into the relatively cool mud. Spirits are high and once all of us had come out the other side muddy and excited we mostly broke into a jog headed for the next obstacle.

 

 

2. Mile 1.2 – Skidmarked

The Tough Mudder Description: “Even if you can get a grip on the edge of this 10’ slanted wall, you won’t find a foot hold. Angled so its middle sits just out of reach of your swinging legs, you’ll have to find another way to scale this obstacle. Better have a teammate up above, down below, or a pair of wings.”

 

Here it was, so soon in the course! My first test of grip strength and shoulder muscle. Surprisingly, jumping and grabbing the edge of the wall wasn’t at all as hard as I thought it might be (thank you, adrenaline!) but pulling myself up would have been damn near impossible if luck hadn’t had it that I was near a seam in two of the walls and had a brace to land a foot on. I also had a very helpful gentleman in an orange tutu to grab my right arm and yank it to nearly the edge of it’s socket pulling me up toward the top. I acquired a few fingertip bruises on my bicep here and I think one on the back of my knee. From here on out I don’t remember where most of my injuries came from but they are numerous and interesting.

It’s right around this time that Seth, Tonya and I were discussing the dust on the trail and how, stupidly, none of us had really anticipated that. We were getting thirsty. The sun was getting higher and hotter in the sky and it was going to be a long, long course.

 

Mile 1.5 – Water

Oh sweet nectar, which tasted vaguely like mud. We didn’t care, it was cool and clean and very needed. I have a bad habit of not drinking a whole lot of water before a long run or race. I do this for a couple of reasons: 1. to avoid cramping, 2. to avoid nausea and lightheadedness (very, very unwelcome, especially running in the heat!) and 3. to avoid having to pee in the middle of it. This may not seem like a big deal, but think about a tough mudder for a moment and realize that very, very early on in that race you have mud in places you didn’t even know you had and being a solely outdoor affair the bathroom situation is strictly portable. Consider these facts for a moment and realize why I felt it was better to hydrate the night before, and not the morning of. We hung around and waited for the whole team to make it through the water station, took a quick assessment of how everyone was feeling, and carried on with the course.

 

3. Mile 1.8 – Quagmire

The Tough Mudder Description: “Shaped like a moon crater filled with treacherous shoe-stealing, unforgiving mud, Quagmire is a mud puddle it’ll be easy to step into, but the way back out won’t be so simple. You can crawl, scramble, or climb a chain of Mudders back out, but we make no promises about your footwear.”

 

This was another refreshingly cool obstacle but the mud was treacherous. I made a rather undignified entrance into the bog by sliding on my ass down 8 ft of slime; however I did it on purpose. Many around me landed there the same way though I think less intentionally. The pit was only about 20 ft from end to end but the glutenous mud lurking beneath the water was easily 12-15″ deep reaching nearly to my knees in some spots. I realized about halfway across why I has seen more than a few runners at the start gate with their shoes duct taped to their feet. I had decided to send off an old pair of Nike Free Run 2013s in a blaze of glory with this race and you can probably imagine I was more than a little concerned that here, less than two miles in, I would be running the race barefooted or with only one shoe. Fortunately, my knotting skills are second only to professional sailors and bondage enthusiasts so my old, tired sneakers held fast to my feet, even as I scrabbled up the mirrored incline on the far end of the crater. I wasn’t entirely able to stay on my feet atop the far end of the obstacle but neither was anyone else so I fit right in. As we assessed how our team had fared before continuing on, none of us failed to notice the abandoned soles of shoes and strips of sloppy, ineffective duct tape littering the sides of the trail. Not everyone came out as well attired as they had entered.

 

 

4. Mile 2.2 – Devil’s Beard

The Tough Mudder Description: “This spread of fine, threaded netting might seem straightforward, but you’ll soon find yourself as tangled like Aunt Edna’s yarn ball, and feeling as heavy as her fruitcake. If you can escape it like the embrace of some distant relative, you’ll have a new appreciation for freedom.”

 

This was a weird obstacle. Pretty much everyone we saw going through was going through it backward for some reason. Tonya tried it that way, and though her race bib got ripped off in the process she made it through fine. I did a funny little Zoidberg sideways crab walk and though I got my ponytail snagged a time or two came out unfettered on the other side. Not really much to it, honestly. Somewhere between this obstacle and the next one the team started to naturally spread out a bit, with some surging forward, some falling back, and some idling between. The trail also started to criss-cross itself here which got more than a little bit confusing as the course dragged on and we became more tired and heat exhausted.

 

 

 5. Mile 2.8 – Electric Eel

The Tough Mudder Description: “A wooden fixture hangs over the watery ground, the top just being as high as your rear end. From the top there are plenty of electric wires dangling down. As soon as you touch a wire, it will shock your entire body. The water will do the rest!”

 

The first of two apparently very controversial electrified obstacles. The Electric Eel is a belly-crawl obstacle a lot like the Kiss of Mud 2.0 but instead of barbed wire, you’re facing down occasionally electrified wire. I’ve heard everything from “The worst obstacle ever” to “I don’t even think it was turned on” when trying to figure out how best to prepare for this one. I can tell you that it wasn’t the worst obstacle ever, it wasn’t even particularly bad. I hit live wires maybe four times; twice to the back of my neck which felt like getting shots or piercings, once to my left calf and once to the meaty, squishy area in my left shoulder both of which felt no worse than bee stings. Tales of people passing out or sustaining serious injury on this obstacle are either total malarkey or the result of some other factor coming in to play (bad current regulation, undiagnosed heart conditions, or the ever popular in this age group severe electrolyte imbalance). Everyone on our team made it through with exactly zero tales of harrowing woe coming from this big bad wolf obstacle.

 

 

6. Mile 3.3 – Arctic Enema: The Rebirth

The Tough Mudder Description:“The Tough Mudder Obstacle Innovation Lab was determined to create the biggest, baddest brain freeze on planet Earth. Mudders will now be forced to plunge head-first through a tight, dark tube into the ice-laden water before having to upright themselves and duck back under a barrier to get out the other side. Arctic Enema is now truly the ultimate mind f*ck. Mission accomplished.”

 

Trucks aren’t a novel sight at a Tough Mudder. Up until this point we had seen massive potable water tanker trucks at several different stations, tons of volunteers zipping around on their silly little Polaris ATVs, the ambulances parked at the entrance and the Electric Eel, just in case; but there was a special sort of dread that came from seeing the massive 40′ semi truck trailer filled with bags of ice at this obstacle. We were hot, we were getting fried up nice and crispy like people bacon (see Part 1 wherein everyone but Ryan fastidiously ignored the sunblock), we were thirsty and we were dirty but we all knew the water in this obstacle is kept at around 36° by the constant influx of 20 lb. bags of ice cubes.  At this point I’ve kind of lost track of who on the team went in what order. I know I went nearly the same time as Tonya and before Isaac but I have no idea when Seth or Ryan went through.

Unlike in their description above, I opted not to go head first and I think it’s a good thing I did. The second I hit the water my whole body seemed to stop working for a moment. I went under all the way (as intended) and as soon as I popped up I wanted to bolt from the tank as fast as humanly possible. Unfortunately not only was I inside a chain link cage but all my limbs felt like they were made of lead. I waded to the end of the tank, went back under to get past the barrier, and found myself standing in only thigh deep ice water. It was one of the hardest climbs of my day to dump myself out onto to dusty track and try to upright myself and join the group huddling in the sun a short walk away.

 

 

7. Mile 3.75 – Berlin Walls

The Tough Mudder Description: “This Tough Mudder staple keeps coming back bigger and badder. At 9’ 6”, that cleat at the bottom might give you a leg up, but it won’t make you Mary Poppins. Whatever your strategy for conquering this wall, don’t forget they come in pairs. And remember, there’s a difference between a helpful boost and an improper touch.”

 

Another wall climb, another chance for me to kick myself for all the times I said to myself, “But I’m tired and don’t want to go to the gym“. Kick myself I did, and I may have also accidentally kicked the helpful guy behind me who was pushing me up and over the first wall when my lame spaghetti arms simply couldn’t get the job done by themselves. I apologized profusely over my shoulder but he either didn’t hear me or didn’t much care because in the blink of an eye as I was wobbling my way down the other side he jumped up and over in a flash and was over the next wall too before my feet even hit the ground. I slogged toward the second wall and managed, this time, to brace a foot against the cleat and get mostly to the top on my own, before the return of Tutu Man who shot a hand down quick as lightning, grabbed me by the back of the knee and wrenched me unsteadily over the wall like he was righting some kind of equine breach birth. In this situation I was most certainly the foal wobbly-legged, confused and covered in straw from landing unceremoniously on the path just past the obstacle. This would not be the last time Tutu Man was here to help, nor would it be the last injury in the name of help I got from him, but I am grateful for his enthusiasm nevertheless.

 

 

8. Mile 3.9 – The Block Ness Monster

The Tough Mudder Description: “The Block Ness Monster is as epic and tricky as Nessie herself. Mudders have to push, pull, and roll their way through 60ft of slick, rotating barriers. With a little help from your friends, you can rock and roll your way through one of Mudder Nation’s highest-rated obstacles and take teamwork to a whole new level.”

 

Seth and I have both agreed that this was far and away our absolute favorite obstacle, and that’s a pretty common opinion among Mudders. The Block Ness Monster is not a difficult obstacle at all, but does put a real emphasis on coordinating with the rest of the group in the mud pit, taking turns, and not wasting time. The pillars were just wide enough that grabbing the top edge to ride it over was difficult for me and fairly impossible for the tiny girl next to me. I had my own Tutu Man moment when I realized she was never going to make it by herself, no matter how hard she tried and so I grabbed her with my left arm and hoisted her up 10 or 12 inches so she could coast over the block before coming over on my own on the next rotation. We did a similar version of that for the next pillar, though now she was wise to the game and jumped when I tossed her like a dwarf. Surprisingly, the hardest part for me was getting out of the pit on the other side. Seth had to give me a hand and pull me out as I couldn’t seem to get a decent grip on the ropes to pull myself out.

It was around this time that I lost count of the obstacles and had only the vaguest sense of how far we had come in distance, though I knew we still had much, much farther to go.

 

Mile 4.3 – Water

With the second water station the tanks were getting warmer and muddier but water was still a welcome respite as we did a little quick math and realized we couldn’t even be halfway through the course yet. We waited for the team to reassemble and carried on pretty quickly from the stop.

 

 

9. Mile 4.4 – Pitfall

The Tough Mudder Description: “This is a pool of muddy water you walk into and you carefully proceed through because, at times, the bottom has pits in it you will fall into.”

 

Pitfall was something of a relent by the course on our weary selves. You simple wade into the massive puddle and slowly cross the water, trying to avoid falling in up to your waist, or chest in one of the hidden pits. There are often signs around this obstacle saying something along the lines of “This obstacle might break your ankles. Sorry.” but there wasn’t a sign at our event and no one (on our team at least) broke anything while crossing. It was while crossing here that we were informed that a heat advisory was in effect and it would be best if we didn’t run on the course for a bit. The attendant got no argument from any of us as we moseyed into then out of the water.

 

 

10. Mile 4.5 – Hero Carry

The Tough Mudder Description:“Tough Mudder Wounded Warrior Carry or Hero Carry (aka Fireman’s Carry) is a fun ‘obstacle’ at some of the new Tough Mudder races. Get ready to carry your teammates (anyway you want) for a set distance.”

 

Here’s the thing about the Hero Carry… We didn’t do it. Well, Tonya and Ryan completed it (yay them!) but we had a couple pretty insurmountable hurdles to all of us being able to complete this obstacle. First Seth, Isaac, and Ryan all have bad/injured knees. Ryan was able to carry Tonya who is small and light. Tonya was able to carry Ryan who is also pretty small and light because she’s a beast. I’m no pixie and so neither Seth nor Isaac would have been able to carry me the requisite 1/8 mile on bad knees and busted hamstrings. Seth is also not a pixie coming in at around 225 lbs on race day. I am no slouch in the strong legs department, but that would have been overly taxing I think. Isaac is a bit over 300 lbs. There was no carrying. So while Ryan and Tonya bested this one, it got the better of the rest of our team and we had to dutifully walk the 1/4 mile solo.

 

 

11. Mile 4.9 – Hold Your Wood

The Tough Mudder Description: “Nothing says team bonding like carrying a sizable chunk of lumber with a few friends. To navigate this loop, Mudders have to take their log for a walk through, under, and over walls on a path up to a ¼ mile. Some people like to walk in the woods, we prefer to bring the woods with us.”

 

This is what Seth and I agree to be the worst obstacle. Not because it was difficult or frightening but because it was so poorly laid out on our course that a chimp finger painting with sh*t would have done a better job overseeing it than the disaffected brain-dead ditz they had running it. The trail was littered with logs and trash, it was literally about 500 ft around a large-ish bush, and there was a massive traffic jam (log jam?) at the end where we had to stand with our log just kinda hanging out for 10 minutes waiting for people to figure out what to do and where they should be going. On top of that, this was the Hold Your Wood 1.0 and not 2.0 so we didn’t even have any walls or other items to navigate during the obstacle. If I do another Mudder and this is on the course map again, I won’t even think twice about walking right past it. It was utterly pointless.

 

 

Mile 5.3 – Water and Bananas

Seth has been praising this station since we hit it. Remember in Part 1 where he decided to have a bagel for breakfast and I said this was a mistake? That’s because it was. His excuse was that he didn’t want to have to poop while on the course, which is completely understandable. Port-a-potties and mud and pooping do not sound like a fun combination. But he was hurting bad by the time we got to this station. Wandering around in a fugue state for the last half a mile or so you had better believe he essentially inhaled a banana half and several cups of water when we got here. For my part I had a half a banana and about three little cups of tepid, mud-flavored water before carrying on with my newly reinvigorated husband. We waited until the whole team came through with Seth asking Tonya, “How’d you get a whole one?!” while enviously eyeing her intact banana. “I asked for one.” was her reply. And we were off again.

 

 

12. Mile 5.5 – Everest 2.0

The Tough Mudder Description: “This will be the fastest you’ll ever summit this mighty mountain, but the fall is just as quick. This slick quarter pipe is over 15’ tall, with a re-curved top to make it extra hard to get that handhold. You can aim for the top, but there’s no promise you won’t end up at the bottom.“

 

Here, just barely over halfway through the course, was the granddaddy obstacle. You’ll hear a lot of people talk about Electroshock Therapy which is always the very last obstacle in the course with awe, but it’s understood that that is a right of passage blockade; a sort of hazing. Do it once and you don’t ever have to do it again unless you want to. Everest is another thing entirely.

Everest breaks people. 

It’s a quarter pipe with a laminated slick, waxy surface and crested with a rounded edge that folds back into the curl itself, like a tidal wave. It’s often lubricated as well to make sure that you have no traction whatsoever. I was the last of our team to run up the mountain. Ryan, being apparently half billy goat, made it to the top without using his hands (how?), Tonya ran up enough to get grabbed and hoisted like a rucksack, Seth barreled up far enough to grab hold of an unsuspecting anchor at the top and muscle his way up and over, Isaac went around the mountain entirely. I scanned the top lip of the obstacle, spotted my husband in a little knot of do-gooders and Legionnaires, backed up, and made a run for it. I got nearly far enough, shot out a hand to grab Seth’s, I felt him give my hand a little half-hearted squeeze and slid back down the wall defeated and getting scraped.

I was not going to give up, however and went back to the run up area. I knew there was no way I was getting over this without some serious help. I picked the area with the biggest cluster of people, steeled myself for the fact that this wasn’t going to be pretty or dignified in any way, and sprinted toward the wall again. I managed to cover about 12 of the 15 ft on my own and who should appear in front of me at that moment but Tutu Man! At this point this guy is some kind of mythical creature in my mind and probably rightfully so. I remember grabbing his arm just above the elbow and him grabbing mine in the same place and then all I clearly recall is a flurry of limbs and trying desperately to pull myself up while my legs are being grabbed and I’m rolling sideways over the lip of the wall like a sack of potatoes. It took two tries, I never would have done it on my own, and I rubbed all the skin off both of my elbows in the attempt but I made it over Everest.

 

 

13. Mile 5.9 – Birth Canal / Black Hole

The Tough Mudder Description: “You’ve already been through this obstacle once, but here’s a second chance to keep it fresh in your memory. Crawl and push your way through a gauntlet of sloshing, weighted barriers to find freedom on the other side. With over 100lbs of water resting on your back, this is no time to be a baby.”

 

This was the first obstacle set that was split into “First Time Mudders” and “Legionnaires“; the main difference between the two obstacles being that the First Time Mudders side had clear plastic tarp holding the water where the Legionnaire side had heavy black visqueen holding in the heat and water. By this point in the race my elbows and knees were in pretty dire straights and belly-crawling through the straw with 100 lbs of water on my back was the last thing I wanted to do. Regardless, I dutifully stepped up, got down on the ground and shimmied my way under 6 massive troughs filled with sun-heated water at a slight but noticeable incline.

Our group had naturally kind of clustered back together and so I joined Seth and Ryan in the sparse shade of a tree nearby where we waited for Tonya and Isaac to come through obstacle. There was a sour-faced young medical attendant trying to reach someone on his radio but seemed to be having battery problems. At one point we heard him mumble, ” That’s it, I quit.” and toss his radio into a straw pile nearby. He then sourpussed his way over to a Mudder sitting just outside the obstacle seeming to be in pretty rough shape and tried to convince him to come sit in the shade of a tree. As we were all reassembling and before moving out we heard the attendant announcing to everyone that they should be on the lookout for signs of hyperthermia and dehydration and that our next water stop was about a mile further up the course. We rolled out.

 

 

14. Mile 6.5 – Shawshanked

The Tough Mudder Description: “Starting with a barbed wire low crawl, this obstacle ups the ante as Mudders have to drag their muddy bodies up a culvert pipe, and find themselves perched at the end of a 5’ drop into the cold water below. Falling gracefully isn’t really an option, so just hold your nose and take the plunge.”

 

Shawshanked was a surprise. I knew of course that it would be somewhere on the line, having seen the course map a few times before race day, Seth and I agreed that we wouldn’t obsessively study the map so as to preserve some of the Shock & Awe factor, but I couldn’t call to mind off the top of my head what exactly it was. When I realized that the culvert pipes were at a reasonably steep 12% grade I had a few misgivings about whether my arms and shoulders would actually be able to pull me up to the drop off. Getting into the pit at the beginning without snagging myself on the barbed wire was actually the hardest part for me, and the only part at which I wasn’t entirely successful. I caught my hair a bit dipping under the frame at the front. On the far end of the low crawl and getting into the pipe I had a bit of trouble initially reaching the rope affixed to the top of the tube but once I got my hands on it I was very happily caught off guard by the fact that, because your elbows are forced pretty close to your torso for the entire slog, it’s almost entire bicep powered; no shoulder strength required! Yes! I got this! I zipped up the culvert managing to dump only about a pint and a half of mud in my eyes on the way and tossed myself backward from the top end of the tube into the pool and out to freedom.

Seth was in line directly behind me and came through quickly after I did. We wandered over to the side and watched as Tonya weirdly turned herself around inside the tube and jumped out forward. Then with Isaac rejoining us we carried on desperately in search of the water station having missed out by seconds the water bottles being handed out by malaise-stricken volunteers.

 

 

Mile 7 – Water and Energy Gel

It hadn’t occurred to me before we hit this tent that energy gel would be a new experience for all of my team mates. If I had thought of that being “Team Mom” as Isaac called me I would have instructed them on how to use it. We have a sordid and not entirely pleasant history, endurance race energy supplements and I. Far and away the worst mid-run supplement experience I’ve ever had was not during a race but during a 13 mile training run for my San Diego Half-Marathon back in 2013. I had opted not to carry water during the run and was using an ‘Energy Block’ in the style which has since been made popular, though no more palatable, by Gatorade. The best way to describe it would probably be “a cross between a very stale gummy bear, a gummy vitamin, and that time you accidentally ate chalk in first grade.” It stuck in my teeth and to my lips and tongue, tasted god awful, and immediately absorbed every molecule of available moisture from my mouth and throat. I nearly died trying to instinctively hork this thing back up and spit it out. The ‘Energy Block’ I took mid Half-Marathon on race day I soaked in a cup of water for a minute and treated kind of like a Jello shooter. It was disgusting and when I vomited post race (yes, that happened) it was still quasi-solid.

I gave up on blocks after that and switched to gels. Gels are viscous, honey-like sugar syrup in individual 1-2 oz packets sometimes with a bit of salt, guarana, or caffeine in them to give you a quick kick of power meant to last about an hour. By their nature they generally taste pretty horrible (like licking a fat, sweaty Willy Wonka. Yeah.) but they work a lot better than the blocks if you take them the right way. I’ve heard you can try to dissolve them in water, which I imagine is only successful about 1/3 of the time, or you can just take little “bites” of it while washing them down vigorously. In my experience, however, ripping open the end, putting the whole thing in your mouth, squeezing the bottom of the pack with your teeth, and pulling the wrapper out in one fell swoop is best. You don’t have to taste it, you don’t have to coat the inside of your mouth with it, and you can wash it down pretty well with water. Gels, however, probably shouldn’t be used when you know damn well people are going to have muddy, disgusting hands. C’est la vie however and we moved out again.

 

 

15. Mile 7.6 – Mystery Obstacle

Non-Tough Mudder Description: “It’s pretty much a steeplechase with 5 ft. hurdles.”

Now, there was a name for this obstacle but I’ll be damned if after nearly 8 miles I could be assed to remember what it was. There is an obstacle pretty much identical to this one except using logs called Lumberjacked on the Tough Mudder website. It was a series of three 5 ft tall, 20 ft long hurdles to scramble over. Nothing to write home about. I used the side cleats on two of them as footholds to make it over. Tonya climbed over one and walked around the other two. I lost track of everyone else around this time so I’m not sure how they fared.

 

 

16. Mile 7.7 – Reach Around / Stage 5 Clinger

The Tough Mudder Description: “Much like the name implies, this obstacle is going to challenge Mudders to reach up and grab hold of something they cannot see. After scaling up the face of this structure, at a backwards 45 degree angle, Mudders will be forced reach up and around the overhang and pull themselves up and over the top. Reach, feel, grab – you get the gist.”

 

Here was another split in the path between “First Time Mudders” and “Legionnaires” with the first timers going for the Reach Around and Legionnaires headed for the Stage 5 Clinger. They are similar obstacles but the Legionnaire version includes a 15 ft vertical climb before you reach the inverted ladder. Ours was inverted right off the ground. This was the start of my decline. Try as I might, I simply did not have the strength in my arms to hoist myself up the inverted ladder. I took two bites at the apple and had to admit my defeat and skip. Seth and I were together here but I honestly can’t recall if he made it over. He probably did though, because he’s awesome.  I was just thinking about and dreading what I knew would be my own personal foe slightly further up the course.

 

 

Mile 7.9 – Water

We got to this water station just after they changed out the tanks, which was a mercy. Clean, cool water from clean taps was just what we needed now that we were nearly in sight of the finish line.

 

 

17. Mile 8.5 – Augustus Gloop / Snot Rocket

The Tough Mudder Description: “As Mudders wade downwards in a sloping pit of water toward the the sight a towering vertical tube, all they can hear is the daunting sound of rushing water. Once inside the claustrophobic tube, Mudders will have to clamber up the inside while fighting against a constant downpour of water. Imagine climbing up a waterfall inside a mine shaft. We did, so we built it.”

 

The line again split into lanes for this obstacle with first timers on the left and seasoned vets on the right. The main difference between the setups being that Legionnaires were forced to swim under a blackout cage into their tubes while we were able to walk to walk right up to ours. Inside the tubes on either side of the windows were planks with 5″ x 5″ holes cut every 2 ft to use as hand and foot holds. While the water was initially shockingly cold, it was actually quite refreshing. I could hear the girl in the tube next to me having quite a hard time finding her foot holds but I didn’t really have any problem clamoring up the tube owing probably in part to my tiny feet and hands making it a cinch to grab hold, fully appreciating the “shower” on the way up. The most treacherous part of this for me was climbing down the back side of it trying to grip the large metal pipes with soggy, slippery hands. Seth and I met up at the back and carried on doubling back down the trail. Just past the nine mile mark we ran into Isaac headed the other way. The trail looped back on itself a half dozen times in this area so we weren’t exactly surprised. He said he’d been following Ryan and had lost track of him. We said we here headed toward the Funky Monkey and the end of the course, he said he would meet us there and we parted company again for a little while.

 

 

18. Mile 9.3 – Funky Monkey: The Revolution

The Tough Mudder Description: “Hear no weakness. See no weakness. Speak no weakness. Funky Monkey’s evolving and this time around, we’re giving the second half a fresh spin. Monkey bars are just the start, as Mudders will now have to take on a series of revolving wheels that only get more complicated as you get closer to the finish. Hold on tight…”

 

This was the obstacle I had been dreading. Monkey bars. Seriously. It’s just a set of monkey bars. I used to rock the monkey bars in the 4th grade. I can barely deadhang now. I knew this was going to be embarrassing but secretly I was very, very happy we were so close to the end of the course. I could use that as an excuse. “My arms are just dead. You should have seen all the strength I was doing earlier. Yeah. I’m not weak.”

In reality I’ve been practicing on the monkey bars at the gym for about 3 weeks and I know for a fact that I can’t cross them. Still, I gave it a shot. There was a very enthusiastic guy in line just behind Seth giving him various words of advice and encouragement, telling him how to deal with the rotating wheels. Yeah, after you cross the inclined set of monkey bars, you have to make your way across 3 rotating wheels (1 horizontal, 2 vertical) and then down a 6 ft length of pipe attached to the rig by short chains. This is monkey bars from hell. I will say that I made it farther than I expected. I will also say that I didn’t make it far at all. Maybe 6 rungs out over the water my hands unceremoniously abandoned me and I dropped into the green water below like a lead weight. It took me just long enough to swim to the other side that I didn’t get to see Seth’s attempt. I know he tried to follow Happy Guy’s advice and was very nearly successful, making it onto the first wheel before eventually also succumbing to gravity and joining me in a little swim in the green lake of failure. I climbed out of Funky Monkey having been beaten by the obstacle I knew would win and swearing that next time I would beat it.

 

 

19. Mile 9.5 – Balls to the Wall

The Tough Mudder Description: “At 16’, this is the tallest wall in the Tough Mudder arsenal. Grab hold of the rope dangling from above, and put your upper body to work as your fellow Mudders watch from below. You won’t exactly need an oxygen tank at the top, but you can count on a shortness of breath.”

 

I can say with certainty that I did not give this wall my best effort. Coming just a quarter of a mile after the Funky Monkey and 9.5 miles into the course I grabbed the rope slightly thicker than my wrist, wrapped it around my forearm, put a foot on the wall, pulled with all I had left in my shoulders, and stayed firmly planted on the ground. I adjusted my grip a couple of times, gave a little hop here or there but I knew I was not walking up this wall as intended. Plan B, I ignored the rope all together and tried to climb the rack of 2x4s up the walls face but they were so coated in mud and my hands so weak and exhausted I slid right off still about 6 ft from the top of the wall. I considered the fact that even if I got to the top I wouldn’t have the gumption to make it down the other side, gave the wall a little kick out of spite and walked around it to watch Seth climb down the other side.

I was running out of steam and had precious little left in the tank.

 

Mile 9.6 was Kong, a Legionnaire only obstacle and as it’s name implies is the bigger, bastardier version of the Funky Monkey. I watched a few people deftly cross the rings 20 ft in the air and suddenly I couldn’t wait to just be done with the day.

 

 

20. Mile 10.2 – Mud Mile 2.0

The Tough Mudder Description: “This obstacle is a classic Tough Mudder fan favorite, with a few little tweaks to ensure no one comes out clean. We’ve dug the pits deeper, mounded them higher, and cut the angles steeper than ever before in this 2.0 remake. If you don’t start this obstacle with a team, you’ll come out with one, or maybe end up stuck for good.”

The Mud Mile is probably the obstacle people most associate with mud runs in general and it’s a Tough Mudder classic. A series of slick, muddy berms with deep, water and mud filled pits in between. Climbing out is tricky at the best of times and impossible by yourself at the worst of times. Luckily we hit this at the same time as another little knot of Mudders and rather like Minions just kind of uselessly bumbling and bumping our way around we managed to make it up and over and eventually out into the home stretch toward the finisher gate.

 

 

21. Mile 10.3 – Pyramid Scheme

The Tough Mudder Description: “It requires a bit of plotting, but unlike its namesake, this obstacle is all about teamwork. Start with a strong base and scramble, climb, and push your way up a slippery incline with the help of your fellow Mudders. Even with an added strip of Merrell’s stickiest rubber sole rolled across its mid-section, this is one obstacle you can’t go alone.”

 

We might get a bit of hate for this if we ever tell other Mudders, but Seth and I took one look at this obstacle and walked right around it. Aside from the fact that all we’ve ever heard about it is how people get stuck at the bottom for 5, 10, 20 minutes at a time, there weren’t exactly a ton of people when we got there and so we knew odds were good someone would get left behind at the bottom. If we do another mudder and the Pyramid Scheme has more folks on it so it’s working as intended we may not skirt it so easily next time.

 

 

22. Mile 10.4 – Electroshock Therapy

The Tough Mudder Description: “The last thing standing between you and that cold Cold Finisher Beer is just a short, muddy sprint. It couldn’t be that bad, right? Ask your Legionnaire friends. This field of dangling wires delivers a punch at 10,000 volts. It’s our way of saying congratulations.”

 

Electroshock Therapy has some kind of terrible, amazing reputation. It’s what convinces armchair doctors that the Tough Mudder is evil, what lazy people use as an excuse not to do the course, what makes people look at you like you’re simple when you explain it, and it’s what all Legionnaires get to brag about. Here’s some truth to cut through the mythical status of the obstacle.

• Amperage, not voltage, is the determining factor in whether an electric current will cause you any physical harm. Electroshock Therapy is 10,000 volts at (drumroll…) 120 milliamps or roughly 1/4 – 1/3 the amperage of your cell phone charger.
• In addition to being stupid low amps, the charge is pulsed using an electric fence oscillator. This means that current is sustained for a quarter to a half a second or roughly 1/8 the amount of time it would take to damage you.
• Not all the wires are live at one time.
• Odds are good that at this point in the race you are covered in a nice thick layer of mud and straw, or as it’s known in the electrical world, insulation. This has the tendency to make you a piss-poor electrical conduit.

So what’s really happening here is that you are being shocked by the world’s biggest, scariest, most bad-ass, most painful . . . carpet. People will say it hurts (and I’m sure it does, more on that in a second) but so does any really vicious static shock. You’re not going to damage yourself unless you have some reason to avoid even very, very low amp shocks, you’re just going to be pinched and twitchy and annoyed. That being said, I went through and did not get shocked once. No I didn’t carefully pick my way through in between each and every hanging wire. I just happened to fail my way successfully through the whole obstacle. I could not manage to stay on my feet. I think I fell 7 or maybe 8 times. Every wire I brushed was either not live or caught me in an area so caked in gunk I felt nothing through the surge of adrenaline at having actually, factually finished the whole damn race. I even managed to fall 3 times once I was outside on the finish line edge of it.

I was done. Seth was done. We made it though.

I got my headband and we walked through the finisher gate happy to finally go get a beer and have a sit down in the late afternoon sun and wait to watch Tonya cross the finish line.